Hello world its been a little while.
What a ride it has been for me in the past two months, feel like I have been riding a roller coaster of highs and lows.
Giving of myself on many levels, being strong for those that can’t be that for themselves right now, has taken its toll on me emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I found that the lesson here for me is that the journey is theirs not mine, becoming to emotionally involved as a parent it can be difficult to stand back and allow the journey to take its course, it something out of my control, I must accept this, so that I can get on with the role of being there for my child when he needs me, its not about me, its about him and for me its to be here when he needs me.
How can I be strong and guide this child if I am so involved in how I feel, as much as I love all my children and they are all adults, it can and is still a learning, a lesson for me to pull back and realize that it’s their life, it’s their journey and I am here to guide when and if they call to me for guidance and advice, I become so filled with gratitude when I begin to understand what a gift my children are to me, and how they teach and guide me every single day without them even realizing, how blessed am I to have three beautiful children all individuals but all the same in many ways, I sit in gratitude.
Realizing the need to find balance. Where do I start? With all the knowledge and journeys I have travelled, I still have to ask myself that question. My first action to bring myself back to balance is meditation, coming to terms with the inner turmoil that has been reigning over my inner life for the past months. Then coming here and sharing my thoughts with like minded people who understand , I love the freedom of being here and being able to express myself without judgement, i thank those who read my blogs and comment it means so much to me to know that people do not always judge but instead offer constructive feedback and understanding. I practice yoga and Pilates everyday for focus of the mind to bring that balance of the mind – body connection, that is where the balance is out, my heart is heavy affecting the rest of my body and mind balance, strong mind strong body staying focused on the poses takes a lot of doing when you are out of balance, but feels good to know that I will get back to where I was, I can do this, I tell myself everyday, everyday without fail, even when I don’t feel like doing this I do, Why?
Because life is a gift and we have been given this gift for a reason, we have come into this life for a reason, what ever that reason maybe we have been given life so we must honor ourselves and our wonderful body, our temple we must cherish it and look after it as best we can, from feeding nourishing healthy foods to providing it with exercise mentally and physically so that we may continue on each day to give our best and to keep on our search for where our callings may lay, or if one has found their calling how to maintain that level of care when we sometimes just don’t feel like it.
Sometimes it all gets too hard, when the human ego kicks in and takes over, then and there starts the roller coaster ride of highs and lows and self doubt, questioning that which we may not have questioned previously losing faith in our abilities, that is when we become out of balance, when we truly know our calling but resist it. What is the fear? Fear is resistance, how do we over come fear? We overcome fear by action, by stepping forward, by taking that leap of faith. But when the ego takes over we begin to doubt that we can do the very thing that we have been working so hard to achieve.
Personally for me I have found that I have been on the defensive a lot especially when it comes to my relationship, I am in a long distance relationship and sometimes find this difficult in communicating my feelings and sometimes I say things that cause my partner concern ( not intentionally) but just trying to get my message across sometimes feels almost impossible, I am open and honest about my feelings and sometimes when I feel the need to express an emotion or feeling it is so difficult over the phone, I am a feeling person and quiet often have the need to be close to my partner but knowing at this time that it is not going to happen anytime soon, it becomes frustrating and sometimes words are misinterpreted or misunderstood. I understand that he feels the same, although he is the thinker he quiet often brings a sense of logic back in to the relationship which does help me keep a balance check between my heart and my head, I think I have the affect on him, in that of learning the sense of true love, of no judgement of just pure acceptance because to me love is that, love is love there is no judgement and expression of this love comes in form of words and self expression on many levels the freedom to be who we each are and to be comfortable in each others presence, I have the feeling on many occasions of freedom, the freedom he give me to be me he accepts me as me no judgement. What am I learning here ? I am learning that actions speak louder than words, he has opened my heart that has been closed for so many years he offered me the freedom that I have been searching for.
On a day to day basis I guess that is why it is so difficult for me, being on my own for so long, then this person comes into my life and the flood gates open and brings with it the emotions and changes that go with any form of letting go and letting be, and I guess it is believing in the unseen, there are no trust issues between us, it so sometimes feels like we are twin souls and then other times the opposite. Why is this? I ask the question a lot maybe one day I will be blessed with an answer if I am meant to have one, or maybe it will be that big TRUST and BELIEVE in myself issue and not allowing the ego to rule but to let go and let god and fully believe that what is meant to be is meant to be, letting go of fear, letting of resistance, easy to say, some would say.
Letting go of what we have known and what has sustained us so far, how ? FAITH, TRUST.
Stepping outside our personal boundaries and safety zones how scary that can be, but also how exciting it can be only if we would step out into the light and feel the awe and the presence of utter peace with in, knowing that we are safe no matter where we are or what we are doing right now, believing and accepting of the present moment and living in the present moment, this is what creates our future by staying in the present and accepting of what is. Letting go of judgement of self and of others is freedom in itself, it frees one up of negative thoughts and of “they should” no more judgement just pure acceptance of all that is in my life, everything and everyone in my life is here for a reason and each one teaches me everyday, there are no mistakes in life , this I totally believe , I believe they are lessons for us each to learn and that those lessons will keep coming back to us until we have learnt it and learnt it well, that is the way of the universe.
What is within shines without, inner peace within will shine without, offering not only yourself a sense of calm and grace but it spreads to those around you, so by healing yourself you also heal others, it becomes a cycle of peace, then you begin to attract the people into your life that will understand you and not judge you for like attracts like, let the journey continue.
May everyone be blessed with inner peace and calm.